


Filthy Primitives

by ScientistSalarian



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crack Fic, Fuckery, Gen, Humor, Late Night Discord Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 20:45:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11676747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScientistSalarian/pseuds/ScientistSalarian
Summary: Imspired by a Discord discussion on this post https://ladylorelitany.tumblr.com/post/154751407584/lynnliciousadnan-lucyfer-winchester wherein the words "dick attack" were used in an actual published novel. I apologize in advance for the absolute nonsense that is this fic.





	Filthy Primitives

"Ugh you were right!" Liara stormed into Javik's quarters with blustery indignation. Javik just stared at her for a moment wondering what she was talking about.

"Of course I'm right, but right about what?" He asked with the barest hint of curiousity.

"Primitives! They're all primitives!" She said throwing her hands up in dismay. 

"What exactly are they doing?" Now Javik's interest was fully piqued. Liara was usually so calm and put together. He wondered what could possibly have had her this flustered.

"Just...go to the conference room and see for yourself." She said defeated. Javik nodded and the two of them went to the conference room. Before they even arrived they heard the sounds cheering and some very obviously drunken voices.

Javik walked in and saw them huddled around a terminal screen with Joker at the center of the group. "See! I told you this shit was crazy!" Joker said to Vega who looked both amused and befuddled by whatever was on the screen.

"Is this even...legal?" he asked Joker skeptically. 

"Everything is legal on Omega." Joker answered knowingly. "And luckily our Commander is feeling particularly lenient today so I say we keep watching."

"I'll keep being lenient if you keep the booze flowing." Shepard said holding her glass up high, spilling a bit of liquid down her arm.

Javik was still standing there wordlessly as he exchanged a look with Liara. Liara cleared her throat in a bid to get the group's attention and they all turned around surprised.

They immediately noticed Javik staring them down, his four eyes each conveying his disapproval. "What...are you watching?" He asked slowly. 

"Oh man buddy, you're going to love this. Protheans were all about slows of strength and power right?" Joker began, hoping he could ease javik into the idea of what was to come. Javik's expression didn't change, he just focused his gaze on Joker. "So here's the deal, I was in a totally legitimate establishment on Omega right? And I saw this ad on the wall, it was two guys glowing blue. Biotics, really really powerful ones--" 

Jack cut Joker off before he could continue evading the subject. "Biotics who fight each other with their dicks," she blurted out. "Come on Joker, he's been around a zillion years, I think he can handle it."

Javik looked at Liara who just nodded sagely. "The galaxy is potentially in ruin and you're watching--"

"Dick Attack." Kaidan said interrupting the prothean. "It's called Dick Attack and these guys are trying to get me to be a part of it." He sounded like he was resigned to his fate already. 

"Dick Attack." Javik said the words coldly which only served to make the entire group erupt in drunken laughter. 

"You guys wouldn't let me finish!" Joker complained. "How could I not go see something called Dick Attack? Anyway I went to the live show and that shit insane. I bought all the vids and kept them in my database. If this galaxy is going to be destroyed I wanted to make sure that something important survived the Reapers." 

Javik folded his arms and looked across the room. All but him and Liara seemed completely taken in by Joker's craziness. He looked at Liara who just shrugged. She sighed and then spoke. "Apparently, they shoot biotic charges at each other out of their um...genetalia," she explained trying to be demure. 

"Pew, pew, dick attack!" Joker shouted with his hands around his crotch. 

"And I think it's time to cut you off." EDI said to Joker, grabbing his beer from his hand. 

"I have to admit, it is rather amusing." Miranda said sheepishly. "Come on, have something to drink. You may as well watch the next one with us." 

"Filthy primitives..." Javik scoffed as he stalked off to his room. Liara grimaced and followed after him. 

"I told you! They're the worst aren't they!" Liara exclaimed once they were out of earshot.

"Nearly worse than the Reapers themselves," he sighed shaking his head. "These people are this civilization's last hope..."

"Yup..." She trailed off. "Goddess help us all."


End file.
